Sometimes the hardest question we ask ourselves is not
“Who hurt me?”
but
“Why do I behave this way?”
When the thought arises — “Am I selfish?” — it often
comes from a moment of guilt, self-awareness, or deep reflection.
But before judging ourselves, it is important to understand
that what we call selfishness is not always cruelty or lack of care. Many
times, it is simply a form of self-protection shaped by experiences, fears, and
unmet needs.
Selfishness can begin as a survival mechanism. When we have
gone through phases where our needs were ignored, emotions dismissed, or
efforts taken for granted, the mind slowly learns to protect itself. It starts
saying:
“Take care of yourself first. No one else will.”
This is not selfishness in its harsh sense — it is self-preservation.
Sometimes, we become selfish when we feel emotionally
exhausted. When we give continuously — our time, energy, listening, support —
without receiving balance, a silent fatigue builds inside. The heart then
begins to withdraw. It stops giving freely and starts calculating. This
calculation may appear selfish to others, but internally it is simply the soul
trying to restore balance.
At times, selfishness is also born from fear.
Fear of being hurt.
Fear of losing control.
Fear of being overlooked.
Fear of not being valued.
When these fears live quietly within us, we start
prioritizing our comfort and safety above everything else. We may avoid
sharing, hesitate to compromise, or put our own needs first. This behaviour can
be misunderstood — even by ourselves — as selfishness.
Another reason could be the journey of self-discovery. There
are phases in life when we turn inward to understand our desires, goals, and
identity. During this time, we may choose ourselves more often. We may say “no”
to things we once agreed to. We may step back from people or situations that
drain us.
This is not always selfishness — sometimes it is growth.
However, true reflection asks us to look deeper.
Are we ignoring others’ feelings completely?
Are we unwilling to empathize?
Do we always expect more than we give?
If the answer is yes, then selfishness may be gently asking
for awareness and balance. Being aware of our actions without harsh
self-criticism is the first step toward change. Selfishness is not a permanent
identity — it is a behavior pattern that can be softened with understanding and
empathy.
To move toward balance, we can begin with small shifts:
- Listening
fully when someone speaks
- Offering
help without expecting immediate return
- Acknowledging
others’ emotions
- Practicing
gratitude for what we receive
- And
most importantly, forgiving ourselves for not being perfect
We must remember:
There is a difference between selfishness and self-care.
Self-care nurtures the self so we can give better.
Selfishness protects the self while ignoring others.
The goal is not to eliminate self-focus completely but to
create harmony between caring for ourselves and caring for others.
If the question “Why am I selfish?” has come to your
mind, it already shows a sensitive and aware heart. Truly selfish people rarely
question themselves. Reflection itself is a sign of emotional depth and
willingness to grow.
Perhaps the real journey is not about labelling ourselves as
selfish or selfless, but about understanding our needs, healing our fears, and
learning to give and receive with openness.
